New Beginnings - Love yourself.

Week 3: Break Up Rehab = Success.

Ok. I have to apologize to "they". I must admit "they" were absolutely, unarguably correct. Time does heal all wounds. I don't want to get ahead of myself and cloud my focus by saying I am over everything. I must admit though, this breakup was different and unlike the rest. I finally refused to let someone make me feel inferior. I don't know what happened and I cannot pin point when it did...but suddenly, my soul just opened up and I said "Enough!".

I believe that love comes from within and until you fall in love with yourself, no one else will fall in love with you.

There was a point when I did not see things this way. I feel that the past year has brought out the most positive of changes in myself - none of which came without pain and suffering. To grow means to suffer at one point. It is just sad when one person changes and the other doesn't. Here, my friends, is when a break up happens... and that's ok. We are meant to be with who we are with at that particular time for that particular reason. I believe relationships are there to help you grow and teach you what you must learn at that point in time. I always said, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. So far, I have been blessed with the first two. No regrets. I am in no rush to find the third but will cherish it with an open heart when I do find it. Ah, time... you do heal...but sometimes you move at a bloody snails pace! Luckily for me, I started to fall in love with myself - little by little - which made your presence seem less lingering.

I have to admit, there are certain things which helped me along the way. I refused to dwell on the pain this time around. I refused to find myself. I am on a mission to create myself. Not to equate self identity with material things but as a human being, I do believe we feel a sense of comfort from new beginnings. My new beginning was symbolized by my new place in the heart of one of Toronto's most beautiful neighbourhood's. I am not saying "Go rent a new place and you'll get over your break up". I am saying that for me, packing-unpacking-moving-unpacking-packing-unpacking-and moving again, seem to have been a trend of mine over the past couple of years. It was about time I found solace in MY own place. Not a place tainted by love's bitter past - but a new place, just for me, and untouched by the dark cloud of old memories. This is my first step with many more to climb but I am eagerly ready for the hike - one step at a time.

That is what I can share with you all today. Love yourself and the rest will naturally follow.

Break Up Rehab Steps

Like any form of rehabilitation, there are steps involved. The drug and alcohol addicts have 12. If steps were relative to cause, I think a broken heart should have an infinite amount. However, I have narrowed mine down to 5. Now enter the mind of love bipolarity.

Here they are:

1) Denial : This is where that certain someone feels the need to constantly remind you of how upset they are or vice versa. This is the worst of all steps because in this step, you are not seeing the reality that you need to get rid of that fucker and move on.

2) Anger : This is where you start to refer to your ex as "fucker", "asshole", "ingrate" and so on. This phase is better than denial because being angry is better than hoping he or she are still around.

3) Sadness : This step sucks and must be quickly be overcome by the relapse of step 2. Stay away from the sadness!

4) Anger : Yes, we are revisiting anger. Like I said before, let him or her feel sad. You can stay angry. Feeling sad doesn't do anyone any good. At least being angry so kindly reminds you of all the awful things he or she did - or at least, you convince yourself of all the awful things. You do not want to put the ex on a pedestal - especially if they are the breaker uppers.

5) Acceptance : This is where you realize it just didn't work! The anger has passed hopefully, for you, your family and friends' sake. The sadness transforms into a state of ok-ness. Nothing is good. Nothing is bad. You're just okay. Life still fucking sucks in this phase but there is no where else to go but up - that is, after you sway from step 1-5 several times - and I promise you that you will. Unless of course, you are superwoman and have no heart.

To all of you with a broken heart, keep your heads up and remember. There are more of you than you think and we will all get through it.

Believe in yourself and anything is possible.

Now, if only I could listen to my own advice.

Break Up Rehab Week Two

They same time heals all wounds. Well, let me tell you, whoever this "they" is, THEY don't know shit. I am not sure who I hate more...."they" or "time" (Evidently, I am in steps 2,4 - see break up steps). Ok, to be fair, I am sure "they" are somewhat accurate but why does time take so long? Have you ever noticed that time is a little sneaky prankster? It plays with your mind in ways that leave us feeling frustrated, impatient and frazzled! When we want it to move fast, it goes slow as molasses. When we want it to go slow, it accelerates at the speed of light. Ahhh, a funny thing, this time.

I must admit, I am sad. I miss where I was and who I was with. I missed making someone happy and being there for him. I equally missed having someone by my side who I thought was there for the long run. I am mad at myself for not trusting my intuition and ignoring the red flags. But now what? I am angry and sad and what real good has come out of all this? My dear friend explained that life seems bleak now because I cannot see the forest behind all the trees. Perhaps he is right. Perhaps "they" are right and it just takes time. I can tell you this much, the second week doesn't bring any more peace or solace than the first. I have never been an angry person and I hate that my love for life has been tainted by the bitter sting of a broken heart.

I need to let go.

Break Up Rehab.

Here we go.

Your heart is pounding, your palms are sweating, it is over. Life just fucking sucks right now.

Welcome to a breakup. We all go through them. I happen to have lived through my fair share and like most of you, would rather not make a habit of them - but why do they keep occurring? Wrong guy? Wrong time? Wrong match? Infidelity? Money? Whatever the reason, they leave us feeling empty, lost and just plain hopeless.

I have always had a flare for love. I was great at it. I lived for the rush and paid the price many times, over and over. When does it freaking end?

I broke up with Peter 1 week ago. It was one of those breakups no one can explain. Nothing happened. There was no reason. It just didn't work! Don't you hate that? How come in a day in age where metal vessels can fly in the sky, how is it that we can't seem to master life's purest and most cherished gift - love. In my case, it appears as though it was a combination of wrong timing and wrong match. It was a shock to many, including me, but for whatever reason, this chapter is finished.

In a day and age where rehab seems to be the solution for dysfunction or addiction of any kind, what do us women do for the most paralyzing pain of all? How do we rehabilitate from a broken heart? Where is the rehab for the strongest and hardest pain of all?

This is my introduction and on my path to recovery, I refuse to find myself. I am creating myself. One brick at a time and from the ground up. Only up. There is no going back.

So let's go. Let's help each other and heal those broken hearts. One at a time.

The city has been haunting me with emotional landmines. The third time doesn't cut like the first (YES! We've broken up three times). You'd think any sane woman would run after the first time but sanity and love don't always mix. That's usually a sign to get out as quickly as you can and RUN!

As this is the introduction to my new blog, I will finish with this final thought and add on later.

Embrace ridiculous and follow your intuition.